Rant

So it's 4:10pm on a saturday afternoon. The sun is shining brightly and i long to be outside. Where am i? I'm sitting on the couch, crocheting watching Frasier episodes on Netflix. What does this say about me? I'll tell you. I've come to a point in my life where i'm truly frozen with indecision. I've made a career for myself doing something i'm good at, but not necessarily what i enjoy. I've gone to a school on borrowed money that promises to keep me financially "land locked" for almost a lifetime and i don't know what i want to do. Well, when i really think about it, that's not true. It seems i'm denying my true wants out of fear of failure. Fear of losing the status i've built up around myself. If i asked myself what i want to be, my immediate answer has been subconsciously hushed because i don't think it will happen or will make me successful. Strange how that fear has severely compromised my happiness. Fortunately, i have subconsciously surrounded myself with people that have helped me realize these feelings. And forcing me to be a bit more humble. I have a boyfriend that loves me for being me. While i have thought this was the case in the past, i was still putting on airs and being the rock/pillar in my relationships. I foresee spending a lifetime with him, but i don't want to put any pressure or time frame on this delicate, precious thing. I love his wit and his charm and the way he can capture an audience with his stories and humor. And i love the way he looks at me when he teases and when we talk about things that are on my mind. My therapist has probably been the only other person who has seen the threat of anger lurking under my smile. We're working together to find a way to let that out in a safe way. The people i have met at work are giving me feedback in ways i am thankful for. Some are blunt, others a bit more gentle but all honest. And in times i feel this is not the case, i argue they may see things differently. But the question burning in my mind is this.... what do i really want to do? If i really strip down all defenses, push away any thought of consequence and just answer the question, what would you want to do.... i just want to be loved. And that is a very dangerous answer. How do i come to that conclusion? Because anything i do, for hobby or for work or for fun is to be recognized. It's to show people that i am competent. Why the hell do i have to show people this is the case? Seems like it's rooted to my need for attention and love. I don't feel i can attain love unless i'm doing something for someone. When i work off of that theory, i end up giving so much to obtain that person's affection and then i get burned out when they don't reciprocate. I get caught in a loop of my own damnation. It's all very frustrating. I have to reinvent myself to figure out what i want to do that i would enjoy doing on my own. The questions i should be asking myself is what can i do that will give me satisfaction without other's input. I just don't know what that is yet. I will be sure to bring this to my therapist at our next session because i'm stuck unsure what to do next.