finding the fear

so i just had this thought come to mind. just had a friend of mine (an ex) ask me for money. we've borrowed from each other in the past and probably will for a little while. I'm paying him back and this could be seen as a type of advance. but i'm going off on a tangent... while i sit here looking through my bank's website thoughts of providing for someone cross my mind. i've made it a very strong point to be the provider in the lives of those i care about. whether it be financially, emotionally or otherwise. i look back at what i had - a dear troubled soul, riddled with guilt and instability who never could make ends meet financially. It was another case of me taking on the mother role and making myself feel needed and important. i took a step back to analyze this feeling. with my current relationship, my boyfriend is ready to pay for meals, offer me gifts and treat me the way I've been treating others. so i have to ask myself why i feel so guilty taking pleasure from that. why does it pain me to have someone else being the provider? i fear that i won't be seen as an independent, free-thinking, resourceful woman. instead i'll be a needy burden. why am i thinking that way? when all my life all i've wanted was for someone to take care of me, why do i suddenly feel guilty experiencing it when it arrives? maybe because i'm not truly at the heart of what i want. when i dig deep down inside, i really can't tell you what that is. attention, maybe. it's driving me crazy. i don't want him to think i've lost my edge. that i'm a feeble woman who can't do anything on her own. but doesn't that then render him a little powerless if i don't accept his gifts?